My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
