Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I party with great urgency now.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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