so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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