My hand turned me down
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
