I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
