last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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