so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
