Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize