I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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