I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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