I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
