im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
