Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
