Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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