new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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