Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
