he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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