I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
