he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
