I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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