Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
