That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
