So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
