carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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