I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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