Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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