Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
