Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
