I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
