not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
