If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
