Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
