i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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