I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
