I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
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