I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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