Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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