we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
