Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Randomize
