I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
