This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
