the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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