We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
