smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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