Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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