My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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