Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
