i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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