he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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