All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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