Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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