hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
