She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
