I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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