I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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