3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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