My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
