I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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