Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
